can we just talk about online dating profiles for a minute here?
some of the girls and i were chatting about this over cocktails last week, so it only seems fitting we do that here too. plus, it’s been ages since i wrote about my love life/lack thereof/an unabashed mortifying date story. so bottoms up and pour one down.
i still have a couple friends that haven’t succumbed to the passive aggressive, narcissistic and misleading world of online dating, bless their hearts. they still think they might meet a man in at the checkout line of whole foods, and he might spark up a conversation and leave his receipt with his number on it. if only unicorns and calorie free wine did exist, maybe i could believe in that too.
i love when my married friends are all like “can i play tinder, it’s so fun. if i wasn’t married – i would totally be on hinge.” a while back i get a message from a guy that said, “does your chin have its own zipcode?” yeah, totally online dating is way more fun than finding true love.
so here are the round-up of “don’t” the gals and i came up with over too much time swiping and too little prosecco (because there are never too many bubbles in an evening. or morning, for that matter): 1. do not make your “profile photo” a group photo. i don’t have time for where’s waldo. i also automatically assume you are the least attractive one, which leads me to 2. don’t post a photo with your hotter friends. you know who they are. they’re the friends who aren’t on this app, probably. i’m sorry, life’s tough and people are superficial (yes, i know this whole post is).
3. i know you men think we’re impressed when the photo is of you standing on top of a mountain, or looking off into the distance and that’s great. we appreciate that. we love that you like to try new things. but ghandi, show us something about your normal life too. 4. bathroom selfies. i can’t. like it actually hurts. 5. we can tell if you have a good body. even in a t-shirt. we don’t need to see your nipples bob and joe to know you drink protein powder while flexing your muscles in the mirror before coffee. 6. if there is a child in your photo, you should note somewhere whether your little swimming soldiers led to that human being, or if we could inherit an adorable nephew. 7. leave your overally filtered and photoshopped photo on instagram, catfish.
and some do’s – 8. tell us something about yourself, something beyond you like to “workout and football.” most of us are on here to meet someone who we can genuinely get to know outside of this weird square box. 8. wittiness and compliments are never a bad idea. 9. even though we’re meeting on this awkward, slightly unnerving online app, try to think of what you’d say to us if we were in whole foods, and we were behind you at the cash register, and you were thinking about writing your number on a receipt.
shall we drink?
i have a lot of weddings coming up in the next year or so. a lottttttt. a lotttt more girls who will want to play my tinder because they have the unfortunate gift of having found their happily ever after.
i’m kidding. i’m seriously over the moon for these chicks (and gents) and cannot wait to celebrate them. i am hosting a shower this fall, and at least one more next year so i’ve been mulling over different recipe ideas.
i picked up some fresh rosemary. i don’t know why. i always grab some fresh herbs at the market, and for some reason – i just really wanted to smell rosemary. and smelling it while it’s cooking, is kind of the best way to do just that. i knew i wanted to make a light cocktail that could be enjoyed during the day that was also festive.
i picked-up a pomegranate thinking the seed colors could be nice. and also, i think subconsciously i was thinking about how the girls in my college house would buy pomegranates and i could never understand why. they are so tedious. i’d rather watch golf. anyway, one shower is for a college friend so i think there was some freud- thing happening there.
then i knew we needed some bubbles, because bubbles make everything better and cheers! i think i need a better name for this cocktaill, any ideas?
- 4 sprigs rosemary
- 1/2 pomegranate, seeded
- 1/2 cup prosecco (or club soda)
- 1/2 cup rose
- lemon juice from a wedge of lemon
- combine! enjoy!